Inner knowing
Inner Knowing
From daily discourse we are accustomed to the phrase “against one’s better judgement” which is used to describe acting against one’s understanding of right and wrong. If we extrapolate “better judgement” to include not only the social/moral sense of right and wrong but also the intuitive sense of what is right or wrong for me, we may talk of inner knowing. Put another way: we may talk of having an internal compass to guide our actions in accordance with our sense of self and purpose.
Suppression and Repression
We may act against this inner knowing if there’s a truth, whether in the form of feelings, thoughts, impulses or memories, that we do not want to confront, by suppressing or repressing it. The difference between suppression and repression is that while repression is unconscious, suppression is to some degree conscious . What we suppress is what the French philosopher Jean Paul Sartre spoke about as bad faith (f. mauvais foi). Sartre used the concept of bad faith to describe the person who does not confront their freedom and thereby their accountability. According to Sartre, when one takes part in the game of social roles to such a degree that one fully identifies with it one is escaping responsibility for one’s own freedom. The German philosopher Martin Heidegger described a similar scenario when a person who forgets themselves in the spectacle of life (which we might describe as the theatre of culture) who then, according to Heidegger, lives in self-delusion.
Living authentically - Better Knowing
We can tell ourselves that a certain set of circumstances are inevitable whether we are looking at work and careers, relationships, behaviour, trains of thought, etc. From the point of view of existential thought such a framing of conditions is an attempt to avoid freedom and responsibility, to avoid acknowledging our choice. This attempt at avoidance of freedom is at odds with authenticity, at odds with living according to our inner knowing in concert with our needs and values. When we lack an alignment with our values, our needs, we experience a sense of alienation, a separation from ourselves. And whether we are fully conscious of it or not, somehow we will find ways to signal this alienation, this separation, to ourselves through various ways. These signals may manifest in physical pain, issues with sleep, anxiety, or other difficult feelings. When these are messages from ourselves to ourselves, they may serve as invitations to look within, not merely as negative phenomena. We may be trying to relay an important message to ourselves.
Negative Core-Beliefs
Our environment moulds us and in our youth we are imprinted through experience. As children, many situations and experiences can be overwhelming, and when they are negative we adopt a defensive mechanism (such as suppression). Negative experiences may lead to a negative core belief, such as thinking we are unlovable, that our voice is not heard and our opinions do not matter, that we are undeserving or that we need to constantly prove that we are deserving, that no one can be trusted or relied upon, and so on. Even though these beliefs are deep rooted and subconscious, one can become conscious of them and work through them. Psychotherapy supports people to process childhood trauma, but not all adverse experiences require psychotherapy. Most of us carry with us unhelpful ideas of ourselves, self-doubt, a feeling of constantly being in deficit, and fears that can be worked through during a guided self-exploration. In such an endeavour we unearth our inner knowing, exploring our patterns, habits, relationships, where we are compared to where we want to be, our needs and our worldview. Few allow themselves the time to look inward and nurture their connection to themselves, but nothing will change within unless we afford ourselves the time to return to ourselves.
Existential Facts
All of us carry the burdens of the human condition, and for most of us such burdens can manifest themselves in many ways. The American psychotherapist Irvin Yalom used a framework of four existential facts from which most problems related to living derive. These facts are:
The Inevitability of Death
Existential Freedom
Existential Isolation
Lack of Apparent Meaning to Life
These facts all revolve around the transcience of life, it’s fragility, freedom and responsibility, connection, and purpose. Yalom noted that the manifestations of these facts of life were so wide ranging that they could be seen in almost all the problems his clients presented.
The fact is that living is complicated and can often be underestimated while we may be more transfixed on smaller, time sensitive and more measurable problems - problems we can get our heads around. Yalom, however, wanted to explore the big picture to better make sense of the granular details.
Ticking the Boxes - Eggs in the Wrong Basket?
It is possible to push away existential questions and the need for a genuine connection to oneself and others by achieving success, in whatever way one defines success. It cannot, however, replace living authentically, aligned with one’s inner self. We can have goals and ambitions, such as living in a specific place, carving out a specific career, having a certain home, or whatever else one’s mind desires, but on arrival one is always with oneself. In other words, external changes (even those classified as success) do not fundamentally lead to internal changes.
The Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a pioneer in treatment of the terminally ill and those in hospice care, and she (and subsequently others) discovered through significant qualitative research that the principal regrets of those on their deathbed were, to summarise and paraphrase; not having been more themselves. They talked about regretting not taking chances, not cultivating and maintaining stronger connections to their loved ones, not being authentic in their expression, to not allow themselves to be happy, when they instead chased other ideals (for example, too much work). So they regretted investing time in things that did not give them life satisfaction, but why did they invest all that time in those things then? Because we believe various things will bring us closer to happiness, or completion, when in reality they don’t (or at least, not fundamentally). What Kubler-Ross and others identified here is that life satisfaction is generated internally. Wherever we go, there we are.
Existential Coaching
Existential coaching adopts a similar perspective to existential thought and therapy. It relies upon a philosophical training to understand the particular from the universal - the details of everyday living against the backdrop of human condition.
Through guided self-exploration we work through the obstacles on your path. Though the work is simple, it can be challenging. All supported self-work relies upon one’s willingness and openness, as well as the relationship between client and existential coach.
Existential coaching is a commitment towards genuine self-exploration, requiring both honesty and courage, and it can help strengthen your connection to self and others, and your sense of freedom, unburdening you from ideas and perspectives that do not serve you.